Supervised visitation can make everyone anxious, especially the children. Here are some tips to help you get through a supervised visit or to help out as a supervisor.

NOTE: THIS IS GENERAL INFORMATION AND NOT LEGAL ADVICE FOR YOU. IF YOU NEED LEGAL ADVICE, CONSULT AN ATTORNEY IN YOUR JURISDICTION WHO KNOWS THIS AREA OF LAW. McBRYDE LAW DOES NOT REPRESENT ANYONE WITHOUT AN ENGAGEMENT AGREEMENT AND RETAINER, OR A VALID ORDER OF APPOINTMENT FROM A NEW MEXICO COURT.

THINGS TO DO: VISITORS OR THE VISITING PARENT

• Start and end on time. Children crave consistency and reliability.

• Play, talk, laugh, and love the child.

• Ask and share. Ask the child to share things they’re interested in or share age-appropriate activities.

• Answer the child’s questions. But don’t add stress by including unpleasant details or arguments.

• Share big news. Changes with work or the family, and other good updates are often welcome.

• Smile… a lot.

• Hug the child as much as they want, but know when to let go.

• Do things the child wants to do if they are safe. Don’t agree to jump off the roof, but if they want to brush your hair, that’s OK.

• Bring activities you can do together, like coloring, Lego, or something creative. Depending on where you’re meeting, the child might have things with them or there may be toys, but it’s also OK to bring a new coloring book, a puzzle toy, or something that you can do as a small project.

• Stay visible. Make sure the supervisor can see and hear you and the child at all times. No secrets, and no wandering off.

• Be compassionate. Remember that young children have short attention spans, and sometimes it’s too much for them to have several hours with a visitor.

• Be thoughtful. Staying ready and willing to end the visit early if it helps the child have a good experience. The visits are more for the child’s benefit than for yours.

• Comply. Respect all court orders for your case and avoid doing anything non-compliant.

THINGS TO AVOID: VISITORS OR THE VISITING PARENT

• Don’t talk about the future. Never say anything like, “You’re going to come home with me soon” or “You’re going to live with me again.”

• Don’t tell the child how much you’ve missed them at the start of the visit, and don’t tell them how much you’ll miss them at the end of the visit. It’s upsetting to children to be the cause of pain for their caregivers. Instead, stay present, be in this moment, and only miss them when they’re not with you, and they don’t need to know about that.

• Don’t talk about the legal case or your legal arguments.

• Leave any other parties out of whatever you’re doing unless the child brings them up, and then either be positive or redirect them to something else.

• Don’t be negative. Don’t discuss your opponents or other people in any negative way. A child should be surrounded by love, and having safe, meaningful, and important relationships matters for healthy emotional development, even if that means they get to love someone you don’t like very much.

• Keep it to yourself. If the child brings up an opposing party, don’t tell them what you think. Instead, support the child’s healthy relationships and help the child feel safe, even if they’re not with you. There is nothing to be gained from making a child feel anxious.

• Do not use disparaging language. Avoid words like “stupid,” “dumb,” “bad,” “wrong,” or other negative talk.

• Listen to the child. Even though they might be young, many children are verbal and want to talk and be listened to.

• Pay attention to non-verbal clues and remember that feeling safe is everyone’s number one concern.

• Don’t bring excessive gifts that make it hard for whoever has custody unless you check with the custodial party first.

• Don’t insist on your entire visit if the child is feeling tired or emotional to the point that you are creating a bad memory, not a good one; be willing to end the visit early if it helps the child have a good experience. The visits are more for the child’s benefit than for yours.

• Don’t start late or end late. Children crave consistency and reliability.

THINGS TO DO: SUPERVISORS

• Keep track of the start/end times of the visit.

• Stay in the background. The visit is for the child and the visitor. Be an observer.

• Make sure you can see and hear the visitor and the child at all times. No secrets and no wandering off. You need to know if the visitor is saying or doing something that’s not allowed or is bad for the child.

• Intervene only if the visitor steps out of line in a way that is obvious, or might be helpful if reported to the Court or GAL.

• Stay alert for any activity or language that could harm the child, including verbal infractions, such as a parent telling the child that they will get to “come home soon,” “I’m fighting for you,” or being negative or angry.

• Intervene to stop physical discipline or corporal punishment. The child should be kept safe if they are about to do something dangerous, but no hitting, pinching, slapping, spanking, etc.

• Being “not good” at parenting is not an infraction. Lots of people have kids and aren’t great parents. Being “unhealthy, unsafe, or harmful” is what to notice for clues about when to intervene.

• Make notes of anything that happened that was especially great or bad enough to interview, i.e., “They hugged each other three times!” or “The visitor got very negative and angry for no reason.”

• Send notes to the GAL, if one is appointed.

THINGS TO AVOID: SUPERVISORS

• Don’t intervene for small mistakes or when you disagree with a visitor’s “parenting style.” Watch for infractions that affect the child’s health, safety, or general welfare, as well as for anything good you can report later.

• Don’t become part of the visit. The visit is for the child and the visitor.

• Don’t criticize the visitor in front of the child. Interventions should be quick, direct, but not a lecture. Unless there’s an immediate danger that requires something more, try saying, “I don’t think that’s OK,” “Please try something else,” or “Be careful” to signal to the visitor that they’ve done something concerning.

• Don’t end the visit prematurely without a good reason. Let the visitor initiate the goodbyes and only step in if it looks like they will not end on time. Even then, use a gentle reminder like, “Looks like we have about 10 more minutes to go.”

TIPS FOR CUSTODIAL PARENTS OR OTHER PRIMARY CAREGIVERS

• Be on time for the drop-off. Children crave consistency and reliability. Even if things are bad with the visitor, most children look forward to seeing people who love them. When you’re late, you send the signal that you don’t care about the child’s relationship with the visitor, or that it’s not very important for the child and the visitor to meet. This can create resentment in the child later.

• Tell the child about an upcoming visit. Treat visits as something ordinary, but give the child notice so they have time to think about what they want to share with or tell the visitor — maybe they want to draw a picture, or take a big paper they wrote for school.

• Try not to act upset, even if you are. You don’t have to pretend to be thrilled that the child is seeing the visitor, but it’s not helpful if you show a sour mood. The child doesn’t have the same relationship with the visitor you do; give them time and space to create their own relationship.

• Be patient at the pick-up. Maybe the goodbye took an extra minute, or perhaps the child is just being sluggish. Regardless, storming into the visit and demanding your child back is probably more traumatic than just waiting a little longer. If it becomes a pattern, bring it up to the visitor or your attorney.

• Don’t pry. After the visit, don’t ask questions you’re not prepared to deal with calmly and fairly. It’s OK to ask the child, “How did it go?” but when the child says, “Fine,” leave it alone.

• Listen. If the child wants to complain about the visitor, just listen. Try to avoid joining them because then you’ve stopped being the grownup in the room. It’s fine to acknowledge what they’re saying without making it worse for them or alienating the visitor by piling on. Try things like: “Wow,” “That sounds difficult,” or “I can hear that you’re upset/frustrated/confused.”

• Dial down the superpowers. Avoid the temptation to become “Super Mom” or “Electro Dad” after the visit by trying to prove that you’re the better caregiver. There’s no need to pick the child up and take them on a big adventure or out for a massive ice cream treat. Children are experts at picking up when adults are being “weird.” It makes them suspicious, and they quickly learn to leverage it. Instead, “act normal.” Be your best every day, and the hills and valleys will smooth themselves out over time.

NOTE: THIS IS GENERAL INFORMATION AND NOT LEGAL ADVICE FOR YOU. IF YOU NEED LEGAL ADVICE, CONSULT AN ATTORNEY IN YOUR JURISDICTION WHO KNOWS THIS AREA OF LAW. McBRYDE LAW DOES NOT REPRESENT ANYONE WITHOUT AN ENGAGEMENT AGREEMENT AND RETAINER, OR A VALID ORDER OF APPOINTMENT FROM A NEW MEXICO COURT.